Earlier this week, an astute commenter asked why there is a distinct anti-Michigan State bias on this blog. This article is an attempt to fully explain that bias.
Despite owning the month of March over the past 12 years, despite being the anti-Christ to the Red Menace of Madison, despite mentoring the man who resurrected the Marquette program, there's much to despise about Michigan St and their Lilliputian Supreme Leader, Tom Izzo. So, in honor of Quevedo at the Buffet, let's get to the Case Against...Michigan State and Tom Izzo. If you're lucky there will be a Bert Blyleven reference.
- Big 11 Member Since 1953 - I'm actually paralyzed with anger at the thought of the Big 11. What's not to hate? First off, that logo is deplorable. You are one crafty Richard Jenkins lookalike Jim Delaney, sneaking that "11" in there you ornery old cuss. I loved your work in "Cheaper By the Dozen." The Big Ten is that high school classmate that choppers into your class reunion after winning the lottery (Big Ten Network windfall). He's old (Paterno), he's ugly (Bo Ryan), no one particularly liked him (Ohio St), but he's going to throw his weight around (leak cryptic innuendos about conference expansion) to "Get some respect dammit!" Reference EDSBS for the best spoof on the current situation.
- Overplayed Michigan State Anecdote #1: "We Practice Rebounding in Football Pads" - Thanks for giving Brent Musberger and the dearly departed Steve Lavin tongue wagging fodder for every MSU game since 2000 with this chalk-dry nugget. I get it, you stress toughness and rebounding. You need to with all the bricks your team is throwing up nightly. Tom Crean decided to use this philosophy to injure 2-3 players a year in overly physical practices while at Marquette. Thanks Captain 22" Inseam.
- Paul Davis - funny how all MSU fans will agree with this one. Somehow, this guy played in the NBA. Yes, the Clippers count or we couldn't take credit for Steve Novak.
- Overplayed Michigan State Anecdote #2: "Steve Mariucci & Tom Izzo are friends? Get out!" - To the rest of the nation, there's a frozen taiga area near Canada that's full of snowmobile trails, yetis, shuttered iron ore mines and retro-fitted pick-up trucks with snowplows. It's called the Upper Peninsula. That's where Tom Izzo and Steve Mariucci grew up together. You've heard it at least twice in every televised MSU game since 1998. "It's crazy to think that a successful basketball coach and a football coach who enjoyed Bill Walsh's sloppy THIRDS could grow up in the same small town!"
- Izzo's Ineptitude Against Wisconsin - Throw me a bone here Napoleon. I'm willing to root for you two times a year and you regularly screw that up. In fact, you cried after losing to UW in the Big 11 tournament. Enough on this unpleasant topic, the cretins on the Badger Scout board can fill you in if you want more.
- Big 11 Style Basketball - Michigan State is the best example of "Big 11 basketball." 32 seconds of grabbing, an off-balance shot and five seconds of more intense grabbing. Rinse. Repeat. We get a taste of it in the Big East with Pittsburgh and West Virginia, but at least Huggy looks suave in the track suit. Pittsburgh and their Nero-esque athletic director can, in the words of Rubie Q, go die in a fire.
- Homo-erotic Mascot Worship? - Check
- Overplayed Michigan State Anecdote #3: The Flintstones - I get it, MSU had a bunch of guys from Michael Moore's Six Flags of Destitution. That was a decade ago - move on.
- Clemson of Big 11 Football - Paper tiger alert! No one does less with more on the Big 11 gridiron than Michigan St. No one can turn the thrill of an upset victory over Michigan into the cold reality of a three score home loss to Indiana like MSU. Bobby Williams. John L. Smith. Jay Smoker. They can't even stick with one helmet design for more than two years. Now, a fiercer Spartan!
- Winning Record Against MU - Basketball - Check. Football - Check. Sad for MSU that we beat them six times in football.
- Winning = Senseless Violence - Congrats on your rightful place beside West Virginia when it comes to senseless couch burning and rioting when your sports team experiences a measure of success. A MSU-WVU final guarantees the housewives of America will see some riot footage on Good Morning America come Tuesday.
There you have it, the Case Against Michigan State and Tom Izzo. Any additional evidence is welcome in the comments.