(1) VITAL SCHEMATICS: 1-1, ranked 81 in KenPom (2012). 22-15, ranked 110 in KenPom (2011-'12). Joined Atlantic 10 Conference just in time for the conference world to implode once and for all.

(2) PRIMARY WEAPON: ROCK BOMBER (damage rating: 3.2 out of 10). NOTE: primary weapon -- fantastically named Chrishawn Hopkins -- taken offline just before season; backup weapon -- fantastically named Rotnei Clarke -- pressed into frontline duty. Long-range bombs yet to find target.

(2)(a) SECONDARY WEAPON: BOY WONDER SONIC CANNON. Head Coach outfitted with disarming babyface; by the time opponent realizes Head Coach is not 12 years old, opponent has been outscored by 20 points. Most effective in March/April, and in battles against slow-footed rodents.

(3) DEFENSIVE MATRIX: DOG COLLAR (armor rating: 7.7 out of 10). No longer able to deploy the fearsome NORED, remains difficult to penetrate.

(4) EXPLOITABLE WEAKNESS(ES): Avoid protracted engagement with ROCK CANNON; disable Rotnei Clarke as early as possible, counterattack from paint.