Accordingly, we're forced to improvise when it comes to the recap of Marquette's win. Without further (or, really, any) ado, then, here's your officially unofficial Mad Libs recap:
Marquette had [number, not to exceed two] goal when it departed for [Hawaiian island that begins with the letter 'M'] a week ago: win at least [number between one and three] games, enjoy some [traditional Hawaiian food], and make sure [critical player or member of coaching/administrative staff, not including Mike Broeker, but definitely including Jerry Wainwright] didn't get abducted by Menehunes.
We're still awaiting confirmation that everybody in the traveling party made it back to the mainland, but as of right now, it looks like [euphemism for MISSION ACCOMPLISHED] for YOUR Golden Eagles.
About 30 hours after [verb ending in -ing] a [adjective meaning hopelessly outmanned and hilariously outgunned] Mississippi State squad, MU secured its second win of the Maui Invitational with a [adjective meaning gritty] win over former Marquette coach Kevin O'Neill's [adjective meaning rock-chucking] USC team. Riding a big game from [MU player, not including Davante Gardner, Chris Otule, Trent Lockett, Vander Blue, Junior Cadougan, Derrick Wilson, Jake Thomas, Steve Taylor, Jamal Ferguson, Juan Anderson, or Dylan Flood] and surviving the officiating of a crew led by [official whose name in pig Latin is Him Tiggins], Marquette improved to 4-1 on the year and, following Monday's [adjective] loss to Butler, escaped the island like [LOST character who didn't die in the series finale].
As has been the story throughout the early part of this season, though, there was trouble on the injury front for MU: after Juan Anderson tweaked his shoulder in the opener, and Trent Lockett apparently broke three bones in his face against [direction] Louisiana, [MU player whose last name is a color] went down with about two minutes left in the contest, hurting his [body part] in a [adjective] tumble to the floor. The early prognosis for recovery is [adjective], but we should know more when the team gets back to Milwaukee.
The awards, then:
Jae Crowder Player of the Year of the Game: We don't typically give the Crowder Award to non-MU personnel, but I think we can make an exception in this case: Wednesday's game was the last contest that [ruddy-faced, barrel-gutted official who moonlights as a "Vice President of Sales" for a construction company in New Jersey] will ever officiate. I like to think I speak for all college basketball fans when I say: [expletive] off and [verb], Tim.
Joe Fulce Undersung Eagle of the Game: [Let's save some time and just write 'Derrick Wilson' in this space until further notice]
Davante "Big Smoove" Gardner Smoove Play of the Game: [something awesome Davante did] [tweet related to Davante chillin, doe]
Up Next: Five days off, then a visit from the University of Maryland Baltimore County on Monday night.