Brian Spurlock-US PRESSWIRE
You may have heard that YOUR Marquette Golden Eagles triumphed over the USC Trojans in the fifth-place game of the Maui Invitational two days ago. Your friends at Anonymous Eagle heard this, too. Unfortunately, for various reasons, none of us were able to actually, y'know, watch the game.
Accordingly, we're forced to improvise when it comes to the recap of Marquette's win. Without further (or, really, any) ado, then, here's your officially unofficial Mad Libs recap:
Marquette had [number, not to exceed two] goal when it departed for [Hawaiian island that begins with the letter 'M'] a week ago: win at least [number between one and three] games, enjoy some [traditional Hawaiian food], and make sure [critical player or member of coaching/administrative staff, not including Mike Broeker, but definitely including Jerry Wainwright] didn't get abducted by Menehunes.
We're still awaiting confirmation that everybody in the traveling party made it back to the mainland, but as of right now, it looks like [euphemism for MISSION ACCOMPLISHED] for YOUR Golden Eagles.
About 30 hours after [verb ending in -ing] a [adjective meaning hopelessly outmanned and hilariously outgunned] Mississippi State squad, MU secured its second win of the Maui Invitational with a [adjective meaning gritty] win over former Marquette coach Kevin O'Neill's [adjective meaning rock-chucking] USC team. Riding a big game from [MU player, not including Davante Gardner, Chris Otule, Trent Lockett, Vander Blue, Junior Cadougan, Derrick Wilson, Jake Thomas, Steve Taylor, Jamal Ferguson, Juan Anderson, or Dylan Flood] and surviving the officiating of a crew led by [official whose name in pig Latin is Him Tiggins], Marquette improved to 4-1 on the year and, following Monday's [adjective] loss to Butler, escaped the island like [LOST character who didn't die in the series finale].
As has been the story throughout the early part of this season, though, there was trouble on the injury front for MU: after Juan Anderson tweaked his shoulder in the opener, and Trent Lockett apparently broke three bones in his face against [direction] Louisiana, [MU player whose last name is a color] went down with about two minutes left in the contest, hurting his [body part] in a [adjective] tumble to the floor. The early prognosis for recovery is [adjective], but we should know more when the team gets back to Milwaukee.
The awards, then:
Jae Crowder Player of the Year of the Game: We don't typically give the Crowder Award to non-MU personnel, but I think we can make an exception in this case: Wednesday's game was the last contest that [ruddy-faced, barrel-gutted official who moonlights as a "Vice President of Sales" for a construction company in New Jersey] will ever officiate. I like to think I speak for all college basketball fans when I say: [expletive] off and [verb], Tim.
Joe Fulce Undersung Eagle of the Game: [Let's save some time and just write 'Derrick Wilson' in this space until further notice]
Davante "Big Smoove" Gardner Smoove Play of the Game: [something awesome Davante did] [tweet related to Davante chillin, doe]
Up Next: Five days off, then a visit from the University of Maryland Baltimore County on Monday night.
How lame was this recap?
Lame (3 votes)
So lame (4 votes)
Hella lame (6 votes)
Gold lamé (8 votes)
21 total votes