With continuing apologies to Megaman, here's an 8-bit look at the Retrievers of the University of Maryland, Baltimore County.
(1) VITAL SCHEMATICS: 1-3 in 2012-'13, having triumphed over something called "Eastern" (philosophy? Medicine? Religions? We're still investigating), losing at Penn and getting its doors blown off by (what I can only assume is a rival) Loyola Maryland. Was statistically one of the worst teams in the nation in 2011-'12, going 4-26 (including a 40-point curbstomping at Rutgers) and finishing 339th in KenPom.
(2) PRIMARY WEAPON: FETCH BALL (damage rating: 5.0 of 10). If you let them, the Retrievers will happily (and mindlessly) bomb away from long distance, fetch the stray ball, and toss another one in the general vicinity of the hoop. Dogs are the best.
(3) DEFENSIVE MATRIX: FLEA COLLAR (armor rating: 0.5 of 10). To call UMBC's defense "token resistance" is an insult to tokens everywhere. It's, uh, bad.
(4) EXPLOITABLE WEAKNESS(ES): Like all dogs (excluding English bulldogs, I suppose), the Retrievers love to chase cars and other larger, fast-moving objects. And like all dogs, in the rare instances when they actually catch up to the car or other larger, fast-moving object, the Retrievers have no idea what to do with it.
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