December 20, 2012
Dr. James Naismith
Dear Dr. Naismith:
Hi. How are things? Crazy weather we're having down here, huh? "Thundersnow," they're saying. Sounds like the third member of the group in Black Hammer/White Lightning, you know what I mean?
Anyway, I'm writing because my mama taught me that when you make a mess of someone else's stuff, you always say you're sorry. And last night, my college basketball team made a big stinky on the beautiful sport you invented.
I'll try to spare you most of the ugly details (I presume you get Bravo up in heaven, and there's a Real Housewives of Miami marathon on this morning, and, frankly, that's a much better use of your time), so I'll be brief with the specific things we're apologizing for.
I don't imagine you intended basketball to be played by teams that don't have a prayer of scoring from outside of five feet of the basket. If you had, you probably would've made the dimensions of the court twelve feet long by twelve feet wide and called it "Closet Ball" or something.
I don't imagine you intended the action in a basketball game to resemble a rugby scrum. Because if you had, you probably would've told those kids at the YMCA: "Here's a ball, go play rugby," and then took a nap in the corner of the gym. On a related note, I don't imagine that you intended for a basketball team's point guard to look like he's dribbling a football. It's kinda why you made the ball round, I think.
I don't imagine that you intended for the point tally in a basketball game to resemble the final score of a PAC-12 football game. (Did you guys have California and Oregon back in the 1880s? Were those things yet, or were they still part of Mexico? Or Russia? Sorry, I'm really bad at American history.)
I don't imagine that you intended for the coach of a basketball team to draw up a play for his team's worst player when his team is trailing by one point with only seconds left to go in the game. I think maybe our coach has watched Rudy too many times. (Oh, sorry: Rudy is a movie that came out about sixty years after you died. It's about Notre Dame football -- and janitors -- and it's awful, mostly because it's about Notre Dame football. You might be shocked to learn this, but, just as they were in the 1920s, Notre Dame fans are still self-important shitheads.)
That about sums it up. Sorry again for the mess. We'll try our best to keep things tidy around here from now on.
Actually, it might be pretty gross at Marquette until next year. Maybe you should avert your eyes until then.
Marquette fan and noted industrialist
P.S. If you run into Coach McGuire and Coach Raymonds and Coach Majerus up there, please tell them we're sorry, too.
Jae Crowder Player of the Year of the Game: I've been a pretty vociferous critic of Marquette's relationship with Time Warner Cable, which broadcasts a number of MU games on TWC Sports32 every year but blacks out the game for non-Time Warner subscribers, making it impossible for someone like me to watch the game on SNY or MASN. Today, though: I say thank you. Thank you, Time Warner Cable, for preventing me from watching that carnage.
Joe Fulce Undersung Eagle of the Game: With the pickings exceedingly slim, the nod today goes to Steve Taylor, Jr. -- not for anything he did in his three minutes of run, but because the ESPN box score isn't listing him as "S. Jr." anymore. Woo, progress!
Davante "Big Smoove" Gardner Smoove Play of the Game: Is it mean-spirited to give the Smoovie to Jake Thomas' end-of-game brick that came with MU down 1 with just seconds left to play, with the hopes that said brick will finally convince Coach Buzz that Thomas should be the last guy off the bench? It's probably mean-spirited. (I also hope it's true.)
Up Next: Two days to lick their wounds, then a visit from ESS EEE SEE country, as the LSU Tigers invade the Bradley Center on Saturday.