Rubie's Report Card: Raising Standards Edition

Rubie issues grades for Notre Dame moving to the ACC, bourbon, Uptown Minneapolis, and more.

[Rubie sez: since we're cleaning up the place with the impending site makeover, we figured now would be a good time to try some new features. This is our first offering. It might become a semi-regular feature, though -- as you'll see -- I ran out of content in a hurry this time around.]

Increased academic standards are all the rage these days, and grade inflation remains THE single-most serious threat to the ongoing vitality of our great nation. Here, then, is our meager attempt to hold some feet to the fire.

After the jump, we see who made the grade this week.

Report

A-Double-Plus: Cancer Gets Kicked in the Ass

We say a lot of things are THE WORST around here: Bo Ryan, Jim Burr (and college basketball officials in general), Digger Phelps, Tom Oates, scurvy, sugar-free maple syrup, and the last season of Top Chef have all qualified for that distinction. But for real: cancer is THE WORST, which is why it's great to see that Al's Run raised a buttload of money for Children's Hospital of Wisconsin. (And I'm pretty sure you can still donate here.) Suck an egg, cancer.

A-Plus: Notre Dame to the ACC

The Irish taking their talents white guys to the Atlantic Coast Conference was met with considerable hand-wringing last week, but c'mon: Our Lady of Perpetual Smugness was never going to let its only valuable commodity (I'll save you the Google trip: it's their football team) join a middling conference like the BEast. Ending this game of "just the tip" that the conference has been playing with ND for the last 15 years is long overdue. Grab $10 million from their preposterous endowment, send 'em a TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT trucker hat, and let's all be on our way.

B for BOURBON!

I love you, bourbon. You're the best thing to come out of Kentucky since ever.

(ASIDE: if you've been to Minnesota, you're familiar with the WELLSTONE! bumper stickers that populate the backs of roughly 88% of registered vehicles in the Land of 10,000 Large Puddles. Why has no one made a similar bumper sticker for bourbon? Aside from the obvious fact that a BOURBON! bumper sticker would undoubtedly attract attention from law enforcement, of course.)

C is for Cookie Monster as Batman

You'll never watch The Dark Knight trilogy the same after you see this.

(FUN FACT! Polling has shown that only 3% of moviegoers would've noticed if Christian Bale had used the Cookie Monster voice instead of his über-gravelly "I'm a tortured soul who just inhaled smoke from a tire fire for three hours" voice in The Dark Knight.)

F: Spurned Fans Tweeting At Kendrick Nunn

I generally don't give half-a-fart about recruiting (remember whenever you're reading about recruit rankings: Scott Merritt was once Marquette's highest-rated recruit in a class that included a cat named Dwyane Wade), but apparently a young fella of some renown named Kendrick Nunn decided to go play ball for Illinois this weekend. Perhaps predictably, Nunn seems to be getting some blowback for his decision, including some hate that's being thrown his way by Marquette fans on Twitter. This is dumb for several reasons, but let's focus on the most important two: (1) Kendrick is like 17 years old. (2) This is something Kentucky fans do.

F-Minus: The Hipster Paradise Formerly Known As Uptown Minneapolis

The hell happened to you? You were always a little too hipster-ish for my small-town, conservative sensibilities, but we were still able to find common ground -- mostly in our shared love of deep-fried shit. But now? The place that made my cream cheese wontons is gone, replaced by this post-modern take on the school lunchroom, which, I'm sure, is pronounced "cafay-TARE-ia." And between the Apple store, the North Face store, the Timberland store, and the CB2 -- that's Crate and Barrel 2 for the uninitiated, a place that seems to be as necessary as "Taken 2" -- I think this might be the end for us.

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