AE's Guide to Saving: Change In Your Pocket Edition

Jamie Rhodes-US PRESSWIRE - Presswire

Students are saving a lot of dimp on season tickets this year. Your trusted financial advisers at Anonymous Eagle are here to help you spend your spare change.

There was much rejoicing from the student body at Marquette yesterday when it was revealed that the price of student season tickets for MU basketball had plummeted to $99, just a year after reaching a staggering price of $110. Now, after being forced to shell out $6.87 per game in 2011-'12, students will have to fork over a mere $6.19 per game for seven non-conference games and nine more contests of exciting Big East action. (And also DePaul.)

As Anonymous Eagle's resident youth guidance counselor, I take great pride in helping students allocate their scarce and precious funds. Last year, you might remember, we showed you how you could save enough money to buy season tickets in nine easy steps. This year, we're going to show you how to get the most bang for the $11 you're saving on student tickets.

After the jump: making your dollar work for you.


Flowers for Your Mom

Why? For two reasons: (1) because you never call. But, more importantly: (2) if you send Mom an $11 bouquet of flowers,* she will be so touched that she will pay for your season tickets. How's THAT for an end-around?

* Have a family pet? You can impress Mom even more if you send flowers that won't kill the cat if he eats them. A note that says: "I got petunias because they won't hurt Butternuts if he has a snack! Love you, Bartleby" will convince your mom you are the most sensitive, thoughtful child that has ever lived.


Miller High Life: 18-Pack BOTTLES

(Note the BOTTLES, because that's the crucial element to this purchase. If you buy cans of High Life, you might as well slather some ketchup on your cash and eat it.)

The 18-pack retails for about $13, with tax, so you're going to have to scrounge up another two bucks to make this work, but OH IS IT WORTH IT. Nothing screams "I am a person who knows the value of a dollar AND has impressively discerning taste" like Miller High Life. You will look classy as shit (it says "champagne" right on the label, for crying out loud), the ladies will swoon, AND you'll make plenty of new friends because you'll have like 15 more beers which don't taste like wet socks available for consumption.



You're going to need a friend who also saved $11 on season tickets to make this work, but this is the quickest and easiest way to double the class that you've already shown by buying the High Life. So: find that friend, and buy two rolls of sushi, and then have a dinner of High Life and sushi. You will immediately be the classiest student on campus.

Trust me: I've been to Europe. High Life and sushi is the kind of shit that people eat in the Louvre.



This maneuver will require a third friend with a spare $11, but if the three of you can pull this off, you're going to need a fourth friend to invest in a broom so you can fend off your dozens of new friends.

ANYWAY: the xx is a critically-acclaimed British indie pop band. Their debut album, which you'll buy for $11, is also called 'xx.' Play it while you drink your High Life and eat your sushi. Someone will ask: "Who's this?" And you will say: "Oh, this is the xx. They're a critically-acclaimed British indie pop band. You haven't heard of them?" BOOM: you're now so classy and interesting that I want to hang out with you, and I have pairs of boxer shorts older than you.


The Good Cheese

Exhaustive scientific testing has convinced me that there is no more underrated food item than the late-night grilled cheese sammich. It's both delicious and a highly-effective hangover deterrent. HOWEVER: critical to the success of the late-night grilled cheese is the use of GOOD cheese. (Second most critical component: being sober enough to use a stovetop.) This isn't an operation where you can use the Kraft singles that have been sitting in your fridge for the last three months. No; for this, you need good cheese. Because if you use good cheese that is not made of 47% plastic, you will be able to run a half-marathon in the morning. I promise.



Because that was Nana's end table that you're letting your Admiral Nelson and Coke sweat all over, and if you're not going to use the coasters she knitted you, the least you could do is spend $10 to get your own.


A Haircut

I mean.


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