Rubie's Report Card: Flunking Myself Edition

Jamie Rhodes-US PRESSWIRE - Presswire

In Rubie's "To Be Graded" box this morning: football, futbol, John Stamos as Uncle Jesse, and, of course, Lassie.

That was kind of fun last week, wasn't it? Well, I had fun, anyway, and I already busted out my red sharpie and my Photoshops, so you're stuck with this feature for at least another week.

Making the grade this week:

Report2

A-Plus: Goldy Gnaws On An Orange

For real: how bad is the new ACC going to be at football, you guys? My Gophs were without their starting quarterback -- who just happens to double as the team's best wide receiver -- and feature a defense that gave up 50 combined points to UNLV and Western Michigan, and STILL managed to handle the Orangepeople with relative ease. Florida State must be livid right now.

A: Soccer: WE ARE GOOD AT IT

So last year, I sez to Brewtown Andy, I sez: "Hey, I think Marquette might actually be good at soccer. We should probably cover it or something." And Andy responded with his typical aplomb, banging out 25,000 words on the subject and becoming comfortable enough with the jargon that he now tosses out phrases like "in net" and "kit" and "howler" without batting an eye. And then today comes news that MU's men's team is ranked 10th nationally by one publication and 11th by another. COINCIDENCE? Ha.

A-Minus: Actual Reportage on Marquette Basketball? OH MY.

What's this? Informative, topical, bursting with quotes from the subject of the post himself? I don't believe I'm familiar with this type of writing. These kids might be on to something.

(TEACHER SEZ: sadly, Paint Touches was docked a half-grade because they don't have a logo for me to use on my chalkboard, which forced me to crudely Photoshop that paint can with a handprint on it.)

D is for Day-Day Reminding Himself to "Be Awesome" Today

I'm not a list person, m'self, but if I was, I like to think I'd make the kind of lists that Davante Gardner makes.

If we're being honest, of course, I'd add things like: "Have that eighth beer, you earned it!" and "Remember: when all else fails, ADD CHEESE!" and "Strong men also cry. Strong men also cry."

F: Rubie's Kiss of Death to South Florida Football

Longtime readers will remember that, following South Florida's defeat of Notre Dame in the college football season opener last season, I began a brief but spirited (read: I wrote one post on it) campaign championing Bull football and their surefire run to glory in 2011.

Since the writing of that post, the Bulls are 6-9 overall, 1-7 in Big East play, and lost at Ball State on Saturday. I am so, so, so sorry, South Florida. That one's on me.

F-Minus: John Stamos Emmy-Watch: DENIED AGAIN

Full House went off the air in May 1995. By my count, that means the Academy of TV Stuffs and Awards for TV Stuffs (or whoever it is that does the Emmy's) has had EIGHTEEN chances to honor John Stamos' groundbreaking work as Uncle Jesse Katsopolis. Last night, they failed again, and, frankly, I'm beyond flabbergasted at this point. If you can find a better example of dramatic acting than Mr. Stamos' tour de force performance in Season Four's "Fuller House," when Uncle Jesse is going to move into Aunt Becky's apartment and Michelle gives him the stuffed pig and ... I'm sorry, it's getting dusty in here right now. We'll have to talk more about this later.

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