Hey! We're Here To Help (You Not Offend People)!

Jeff Hanisch-USA TODAY Sports

The Marquette student section has many time-honored traditions: wearing gold t-shirts to games; drinking oneself into a stupor at a kegs-n-eggs party in order to ward off the inevitable frost bite that results from standing in line for four hours before a game; and chanting "Hey! You (or DePaul-if DePaul is the opponent) Suck!" while the Pep Band plays a rousing rendition of Gary Glitter's iconic anthem "Rock and Roll Pt. 2."

However, one of these is about to go the way of the Warrior. Today, Marquette Athletic Director Larry Williams sent the following e-mail to the Marquette Student Section:

Marquette Fanatics,

Thank you for all the support you have provided our program this season. Your passion and energy gives us an incredible home court advantage; please know our team and coaching staff is grateful for your dedication.
That being said, offensive language used in conjunction with certain songs played during the game just cannot be tolerated. Specifically, the "Hey" song played by the band at the end of the second half will have to be discontinued if the language used by our student section during that song continues. We must respect our fellow Marquette and opposing fans alike by behaving with class and dignity. Offensive language and verbal abuse directed at our opponents and/or other fans will not be tolerated. It's important to remember you, just like our student athletes, represent Marquette University at home games and your actions form a national perception of our university and student body.

Many thanks once again for all your support. Best of luck with the rest of your semester.

In other words, the band will stop playing that "Hey" song (apparently the university lawyer who drafted this e-mail was too busy and important to Google the actual name of the song) if the students don't clean up their act. After all, we don't want to be arrogant douche canoes. The NCAA doesn't need two Notre Dames.

But the ban on the traditional "Hey! You Suck!" chant doesn't mean we can't still have a little fun with the tune. There are many alternatives that do not fall under the definition of "Offensive Language and Verbal Abuse" :

The Classy Alternative "Hey! Sporting Match!" (Seems like something Gatsby would say and Gatsby was one classy cat).

The Juvenile Alternative: "Hey! Your Mom!" (It can't be Offensive Language or Verbally Abusive if it is the go-to insult of all 6 year olds everywhere. Because 6 year olds aren't capable of intentional malice. Lawyer'd)

The Godly Alternative "Hey! God Bless!" (particularly appropriate for the Catholic 7)

The Universal Alternative "Hey! So's Your Face!" (So's Your Face always makes sense)

The Sneaky Alternative "Hey! You're DePaul" (which is just another-more subtle-- way of saying "Hey! You Suck!")

The Comedy Club Alternative "Hey! Try the Veal!" (This is really just a friendly tip. Try the Veal Shank at Ratsch's. Though I guess that assumes you do not have an ethical impediment to actually eating veal.)

The Arrested Development Alternative "Hey! Steve Holt!" (Steve Holt!)

Feel free to suggest your own non-offensive non-verbally abusive alternatives in the comments.

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