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Teach Your Children Well: The Bad Guys Almost Always Win.

DOOK wins.  Of course DOOK wins.

You see, kids, in the real world, things just don't work out like they do in the movies.  The bad guys win nine times out of ten here.  In fact, let's break down a few of your favorites just to drive that point home:

  • If Star Wars took place in the real world, the Empire not only would have struck back, it would have killed all the Rebel scum and then dragged their broken bodies through the streets -- or behind their hovercraft, whatever -- as a reminder not to **** with the Emperor.  (And the Empire certainly wouldn't have been upended by some three-foot Muppets on a god-forsaken moon.  "They have sharp sticks?  That's terrific.  We have lasers.")
  • If Jurassic Park took place in the real world, nobody gets out alive.  Especially the kids.  The Rex would've eaten the kids first, because kid meat is like veal for a dinosaur.
  • If Pretty Woman happened in real life, Richard Gere ends up with the clap, $50,000 worth of crap charged on his credit card, and his name all over Perez Hilton.
  • If Spider-Man happened in real life, Peter Parker would have died after that radioactive spider bit his hand.  At the very least, he's getting some really funky form of cancer that can't be treated.  It was a RADIOACTIVE SPIDER, people. 
  • If The Shawshank Redemption happened in real life, the warden would've discovered Andy's secret tunnel on a random inspection of the cell block, and Andy would've been tending to the unmentionables of the Sisters for the rest of his days.
  • If The Replacements happened in real life, Shane Falco would have torn his hamstring on the first day of practice because he hadn't played football in about nine years.  And he certainly wouldn't have been hooking up with some floozy in a restaurant after hours.  That's just inconceivable.  (Oh.  Wait.)

You get the point.  (If you'd like to make more, be my guest.)

ANYWAY, last night was a classic example: Gordy Hayward has an off shooting night, but gets a great look to win the game with 5 seconds left.  Clang.  Brian Zoubek does everything he can to foul out of the game, including, but not limited to, clotheslining, chicken-winging, hip-checking, and bear-pawing every Butler player who was within five feet of him.  No calls.*  Coach K, in a bizarre move, instructs Zoubek to miss the second free throw with 3.5 seconds left in the game and Duke up by 2, leaving the door open for a three-pointer to vanquish DOOK.  Gordy grabs the rebound, gets hip-checked (guess who?), gets a GREAT screen from Matt Howard**, puts it up from half court AAAANNNNNDDD -- in and out.  Of course.

* Here's something that someone needs to explain to me: Coach K is notorious for working the officials and, at crunch time, getting calls (and no calls) because he's been harping on the refs since the jump ball.  But how, exactly, is that guy intimidating?  He's barely six feet tall, weighs 150 pounds soaking wet, and sounds like Fievel in An American Tail.  What's he going to do if you make a call against him?  Squeal at you?  God, I hate officials.

** Warrior Brad mentioned in the open thread that Matt Howard woke up yesterday morning with two fouls.  I don't think that goes far enough.  I think 'Stache was born with two fouls.

In closing, children: this is the way things usually go.  Get used to it.

Also: Santa Claus isn't real.