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Anonymous Eagle 8-Bit Previews: UWGB Edition

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Back and better than ever, we take an 8-bit look at the UWGB Phoenix.

Oh Lord Jesus, it's a FAHR ... Man.

(1) VITAL SCHEMATICS: 3-7 (KenPom 167) in 2012-'13, with one good win (over North Dakota State, as weird as it is to type that) and a buttload of bad losses (vs. Nevada, vs. Cal State Fullerton, vs. Idaho [VANDALIZED!], vs. Southern Illinois, and, blech, Tennessee Tech). With most of the major players returning from last year's 15-15 team, that earns Green Bay a place in the "what the hell, you're supposed to be bad, but not THIS bad" files.

(2) PRIMARY WEAPON: BROWN-OUT BEAM (damage rating: 3.3 out of 10). Speaking of "what the hell," meet UWGB's primary weapon, junior big man Alec Brown, who was pretty good for the Phoenix last year (22-14 with five blocks against MU) but has slumped this season to 10.8 points and 6.6 rebounds while shooting 31.6% from two-point range, which is impressive considering dude is SEVEN-FOOT-ONE and spends most of his time in the paint.

(2)(a) AUXILIARY WEAPON: SYMPATHY DAMPENING FIELD. Marquette fans can never be mad at UWGB coach Brian Wardle. I mean, he did this once.

(3) DEFENSIVE MATRIX: ASHES, ASHES WE ALL FALL DOWN SHIELD (armor rating: 2.2 out of 10). It's, uh, bad. See immediately below.

(4) EXPLOITABLE WEAKNESS(ES): Green Bay's in a funk right now. For example: do you like to make threes? UWGB can accommodate you (39.6% opponent 3PT FG%). Like to be left well enough alone while you're dribbling the basketball? Green Bay will just wait over here and won't bother you while you're working, OK (18.7% opponent turnover rate)? They block a few shots, and they keep you off the glass on offense, but you'll be making shots anyway so whatevs.