A Day At The Office With Notre Dame Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick

INT. - Notre Dame Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick's office - Afternoon

JACK SWARBRICK

Well, there we go. I called up my good friend Matt Fortuna and told him that Notre Dame would love it if the Catholic 7 called us up and asked us to join them, just for next school year. I think I sounded pretty nice, and honest, and not at all like a jerk, so I'm sure they'll call soon.

JACK presses the intercom button on his desk phone.

JACK SWARBRICK

Hey, Cheryl? Can you brew me up a really strong pot of coffee? I'm going to watch the tape from the basketball game against Cincinnati, and I'm going to need something to keep me awake.

CHERYL

Sure thing, Mr. Swarbrick!

JACK starts watching Notre Dame vs Cincinnati, and starts nodding off after the first six minutes. JACK'S phone rings. JACK snaps back awake and answers the phone.

JACK SWARBRICK

Hello?

MARQUETTE ATHLETIC DIRECTOR LARRY WILLIAMS

Hey, Jack, it's Larry. I saw what you told Matt Fortuna. I'll tell you what, of course the Catholic 7 would be willing to let Notre Dame tag along for one year. I mean, what kind of Notre Dame graduate would I be if I didn't make sure that happened?

JACK SWARBRICK

OH, MAN, is that a relief! I thought we were going to be totally screwed and stuck in that lame duck conference for a year. Larry? Are you okay? It sounds like you're breathing funny.

LARRY WILLIAMS

[stifles laugh] What? No, I'm fine.

CHERYL arrives with JACK's coffee.

JACK SWARBRICK

[To CHERYL] Thank you so much. [To LARRY] Ok, so are there any conditions on this deal?

LARRY WILLIAMS

Well, only one. Any time you come to one of the games, you have to wear a neon pink T-shirt that says "SUCKER" in four inch high letters on it.

JACK SWARBRICK

What?

LARRY WILLIAMS

OH MAN! I can't believe you totally believed me! You really think we're going to let you come along with us after you ditched the Big East first? Not a chance! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-

JACK hangs up the phone.

JACK SWARBRICK

Well, crap.

JACK pours himself a large mug of coffee, takes a big drink, and goes back to watching the Cincinnati game. He starts nodding off after another 7 minutes. JACK's phone rings, causing JACK to snap awake and spill his coffee all over his desk.

JACK SWARBRICK

SHIT SHIT SHIT [answers phone] Hello?

SETON HALL ATHLETIC DIRECTOR PATRICK LYONS

Hey, Jack, it's Patrick. Listen, I read what you said to Matt Fortuna, and I have to say, we here-

JACK SWARBRICK

Nice try, Patrick. Larry already beat you to trying to tell me you guys want us to come along.

PATRICK LYONS

DAMMIT, really? [shouting to someone else in his office] HEY, HE SAYS LARRY ALREADY TRIED TO SUCKER HIM IN!

ST. JOHN'S ATHLETIC DIRECTOR CHRIS MONASCH

[faintly through the phone from PATRICK's office] DAMMIT!

JACK SWARBRICK

You guys suck, you know that?

PATRICK LYONS

Hey, Jack, before I let you stew about this, I've got something else to talk to you about.

JACK SWARBRICK

Oh, okay. What's up, Patrick?

PATRICK LYONS

ROLL DAMN TI-

JACK hangs up the phone.

JACK SWARBRICK

Now that was just mean.

JACK cleans up the coffee on his desk, pours another mug of coffee, and goes back to watching the Cincinnati game. He nods off after just four more minutes. The score is 24-11 after 17 minutes, and no one has scored for two minutes. The phone rings again. JACK snaps awake again, NEARLY spills the coffee all over the desk, stops it at the last possible moment, moves the mug away from the edge of the desk, and answers the phone.

JACK SWARBRICK

Hello?

UNKNOWN FEMALE CALLER

Hello, Mr. Swarbrick, this is Lennay Kekua. Is Manti there?

JACK SWARBRICK

DAMMIT, JEAN! I told you this wasn't funny after the first six times you tried this!

DEPAUL ATHLETIC DIRECTOR JEAN LENTI PONSETTO

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-

JACK hangs up the phone.

JACK SWARBRICK

This job sucks.