Two years ago, we shredded Frank Kaminsky’s dumb letter to his “fans” about his reasons for returning to Wisconsin for his senior year. Last year, we revisited Frank’s dumb letter to continue to point out how stupid his reasons for returning to college were in the first place.
We’re back again to talk about Frank Kaminsky’s lying ways, or dopey ways, depending on how you want to view it. However, while we’re out of material in his dumb letter to rip him for, Frank went out of his way to provide us with material to point out his lying and/or dopey ways yet again.
Remember back in October when Frank showed up at work wearing a Chicago Cubs jersey?
Diehard White Sox fan Frank Kaminsky wore this pregame. "It's my stance on how I feel about the Cubs this year." pic.twitter.com/c1RwlotDXP— Chuck Garfien (@ChuckGarfien) October 17, 2016
This was the day after the Cubs lost Game Two of the National League Championship Series to the Los Angeles Dodgers, knotting that series up at one game each. In fact, Frank says he was at the game.
Kaminsky had the Bartman jersey made yesterday and wore it on a Wrigley rooftop last night. "Not too many people were happy."— Chuck Garfien (@ChuckGarfien) October 17, 2016
Let’s review here.
- Frank Kaminsky claims to be a diehard Chicago White Sox fan.
- Noted White Sox fan Frank Kaminsky ordered a rush job on a what appears to be an authentic custom made Chicago Cubs jersey, which probably set him back more than the $236 that the Cubs charge on their website.
- Noted White Sox fan Frank Kaminsky paid for at least one ticket (I presume he took at least one friend, but who knows) to get into one of the rooftop sports bars in the Wrigleyville neighborhood for Game Two of the NLCS. I’ve seen the regular season prices for the rooftops, and yes, they’re all amenities included sports bars, but they are expensive as hell for the worst seat in any Major League Baseball stadium, and I can’t imagine how expensive that was for the NLCS. By the way, Frank, the Ricketts family - you know, the family that owns the Cubs - owns more than half of the rooftops as of last January, so there’s a better than 50% chance your money went straight to the Cubs, just like your money for the jersey did.
- Noted White Sox fan Frank Kaminsky was so proud of his whacky plan to give the Cubs a lot of his money that he wore his custom made authentic Cubs jersey to work the next day, when his Charlotte Hornets were on the road playing the Chicago Bulls at the United Center.
In the words of Jay-Z: We don’t believe you, you need more people.
No, literally, Frank: You need more people.
Frank claims he wore this to a rooftop for Game Two, and he claimed “Not too many people were happy.” I don’t believe him. Here’s the deal: Frank Kaminsky is listed by the Hornets at 7 feet tall, and as we all know, you can’t teach that. He’s frigging gigantic, to be quite honest, especially when maneuvering out amongst large congregations of humanity, like, say, those you would find in the vicinity of Wrigley Field during the National League Championship Series.
We didn’t find out about Frank’s whacky jersey idea until he wore it to work the next day.
In the age of Instagram and selfies and Snapchat, literally no one noticed Frank Kaminsky and his dumb jersey at Game Two. If they had, we would have found out before Frank came to work on Monday.
Either A) No one realized that the lumbering behemoth wearing the Cubs jersey was an NBA player who went to high school in the Chicagoland area, or B) No one cared that the lumbering behemoth wearing the Cubs jersey was an NBA player who went to high school in the Chicagoland area, or C) Frank made up the whole story about going to the game and only had the jersey made on Monday, after the Cubs lost Game Two.
Go ahead, you pick out which one you think is the funniest option. A) Dope, B) Dope, or C) Liar.
I actually think it’s either A or B, to be honest. I think Frank screwed up his dumb plan when getting the jersey custom made. He put “Bartman” on the name plate because HA HA STEVE BARTMAN HA HA GAME SIX IN 2003 HA HA. Then he put his own jersey number for Wisconsin and the Hornets (see above) underneath it: #44.
That was his key mistake. Frank probably should have gone with an “03” under the Bartman name plate. That would have hammered his incredibly dumb (and expensive) joke home. Instead, he went for his jersey number....... which he happens to share with Anthony Rizzo, the heart and soul of the Chicago Cubs. Imagine you’re an average size American for a moment: 5’9” for men, 5’3” for women. Imagine you’re walking past a seven foot tall pole that has a banner hanging from the, say, 6’4” mark. There’s writing at the top, and then below it, a giant number. You’re a Cubs fan. You walk past this banner on a pole at a Cubs game, and you see a giant 44 in blue with red outline at roughly eye level. For even a moment, do you consider that the writing above the 44 is anything other than “RIZZO?”
No, you don’t.
It is the official position of Anonymous Eagle that Frank Kaminsky absolutely wore that jersey to Game Two, and then, when no one noticed him and/or cared about noticed him wearing it, he wore it to work the next day when he knew someone would actually give a rat’s ass about his amazingly stupid joke jersey that he paid a lot of money for when he claims to be a White Sox fan.
In other words: Frank Kaminsky was a sad panda and he wanted a hug.
Oh, speaking of Frank being a sad panda:
Tune in next year for Part Four of this series. I have absolutely no idea what it’s going to be about, but Frank Kaminsky seems determined to provide us opportunities to declare him to be a liar or a dope. We’ll see what kind of dopey, lying gift we get next December.