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The Quick And The Dirty: Marquette 86, Eastern Illinois 83 (OT)

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Jesus Herbert Walker Christ

NCAA Basketball: Maui Invitational-Marquette at Wichita State
GIVE SAM HAUSER ALL OF THE HIGH FIVES
Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

I promise I will try to write this with a layer of objectivity. I realize I’m not Noted Marquette Beat Reporter Ben Steele here, but if you’re reading this you either missed the game, were watching it in the background, or just generally want to know what the hell happened from a different perspective. I also try to keep as level a head about sports as possible, since games like this feel like rock bottom for a reason: they’re not sustainable. So with that in mind, let me give you an honest, fair recap of the game.

Marquette sucked butt tonight.

I don’t care that they beat Eastern Illinois (86-83 in overtime, for the record). That game was a Coldplay song made into a basketball game. The defense was terrible. Like Charles Barkley trying to say the word “terrible” terrible. Eastern Illinois, who lost to Western Illinois, a school that somehow even exists, shot 58.1% on their twos. They had shot 41.7% on their twos up to this point of the season, which is...

*throws calculator at the wall*

Not great. I don’t need numbers to tell you that. Someone called Jajuan Starks had 27 points on 9-of-13 shooting and 8 rebounds. Muusa Dama played like Bill Walton’s wet dream out there in the second half, finishing the game with 12 points on 6-of-9 (heh) shooting.

The defensive rebounding effort brought a tear to Jamie Dixon’s eye. Sacar Anim and Sam Hauser were solid, and offensive rebounding is the Panthers’ strong suit, but they got 38.7% of their misses, well above even their season average.

Offensively, they were about as sloppy as my current effort to make a clever simile. I’ll never actually worry about Markus Howard’s shooting because slumps happen, but he didn’t inspire confidence to those who worry easily with his 2-of-8 performance from the outside. They really should’ve taken advantage of the size that they had on their opponent (maybe the only time I’ll ever type that out this year). Andrew Rowsey did not have a great game either.

Alright I’ve vented out most of my frustrations. Let’s look at some positives, okay?

Greg Elliott is amazing. I love him. He had 4 blocks tonight. Four! Plus another 4 steals. He’s going to be a Big East Defensive Player of the Year before he leaves. What a treat to watch in the midst of this Bubonic Plague of a game.

Hauser also had #TheCoconuts to basically pry the ball out of Rowsey’s hands when the The Epitome of Brutality stared the 120 students at the game right in the eyes. He had 30 points and 9 rebounds, including a few monster boards in high leverage situations. He’s had a tremendous start to the year.

Those were basically the only two positives, though. My dad does this thing when games are unlikely to be won where he treats the game as a guaranteed loss and also tries to find some positive out of the experience. I hate it. Great dad overall, though. Anyway, he texted me when Marquette was down with a minute and a half left in regulation and said Eastern Illinois will be a good tournament team and should make some noise as a 13 seed.

They were picked to finish 6th in the Ohio Valley Conference.

Let’s just forget this game ever happened. This is where we thank our lucky stars that the committee holds a terrible win in higher view than a tremendous loss.

Wanna watch some highlights? Here you go, courtesy of GoMarquette.com and FS1, but Anonymous Eagle can not be held liable for damages to you or your property as a result.