Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to rank the players on the Marquette Men’s Basketball team in order of how funny the spoonerism of their name sounds. That’s it.
I did this ranking last year and it might have been my favorite article that I’ve done. There’s nothing better than spoonerisms. I’m addicted to them. The literal instant that I am introduced to a new person I spoonerize their name. It’s at the point where I make spoonerisms out of random words. Just 5 minutes ago a coworker mentioned the phrase “track shift” and I immediately interjected with “Shack trift”. There was absolutely no reason for it. It wasn’t even comedically timed well, nor was there any precedent set for this. I just blurted out random gibberish. I will never stop doing it, nor do I want to.
For you animals that don’t know what a spoonerism is, it’s most commonly done when the first letters of a first and last name are switched. For example, Ben Cherington, the current Vice President of Baseball Operations for the Toronto Blue Jays, would be spoonerized as Chen Berington. Nice and simple. It can also be done within the same word. Clayton Kershaw could be Clayton Sherkaw. We can do it with triple names, even. Former Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is now Pohn Staul Jevens just like that. You get the picture. Let’s rank.
16. Brandan Beiley
That just looks gross. Like his mom sneezed when typing out his name and just rolled with it.
15. Eke Ike
I still don’t actually know how his name is pronounced, so this could potentially work as something other than his first and last names flipped.
14. Gommy Tardiner
I’ve never heard of this guy. I guess he’s a walk on, but he’s 6’7” and I find that odd. Normally walk ons are guards, since tall people are more rare and useful to basketball. Who’s the tallest walk on in history? The only taller one I can think of is Christian Moody, famous for missing two potential game winning free throws in Mizzou Arena.
This isn’t the ranking of obscure basketball moments I can name, though. This is for spoonerisms. He gets knocked down because middle school boys would turn this into problematic jokes, which I’m not a fan of.
13. Choseph Jartouny
His original name is just so much better because the Quebecois nature of his last name leads you to incorporate the word “shart” into pronouncing it. We’re going to hear Bill Raftery say shart this year. What an amazing moment that will be.
12. Acar Sanim
11. Hoey Jauser
10. Harkus Moward
We’re starting to creep into the territory where the spoonerisms form real words. Hark is something that herald angels sing, but not humans. If anyone ever naturally uses that word in a normal conversation with me I’ll give them $5.
9. Med Orrow
Med is a real word, but not necessarily a funny word.
8. Mam Carotta
*tips cap* “Mam”
7. Camal Jain
I’m choosing to pronounce Camal like “camel” here. Love a good camel. Shoutout to Campbell Camels.
6. Eg Grelliott
5. Jeo Thon
That thon th thon thon thon
4. Juddy Baffee
Not real words, but they honestly should be. It sounds like an insult used in 1800s West Virginia.
3. Like Melito
“‘Sup, girl. You Like Melito?”
2. Ham Sauser
Similar to #7, I’m going to pronounce Sauser like “saucer” in order to make it Ham Saucer. This can be interpreted in one of two ways. One is a piece of ham served on a saucer that kittens in cartoons normally drink milk out of. The other is a flying saucer either shaped in, or in the form of, a ham. Either way, I like the idea of calling him the Ham Saucer.
1. Hatt Meldt
Ham Saucer could have been #1 on your list and I wouldn’t argue with you. This, however, is my list and I will let my bias sparkle. I love the brisk nature of a 2 syllable spoonerism. I can’t really explain it; I just do. Hat is not a funny word and nor is melt. But say those two words together quickly and you’ve given me a hearty giggle.