In my two years writing at this prestigious blog, I’ve been given a lot of creative freedom by Our Lord And Savior/Cult Leader Brewtown Andy. He’s allowed me to etch out my own traditions in the form of annual articles such as a theoretical trade deadline article around the start of conference play (that may or may not have gotten the attention of Steve Wojciechowski, based on his “wouldn’t trade any of my guys” comments last year) and my prized possession in the Defensive Crowdsourcing Project (which was recognized by the God Of College Basketball Analytics, Ken Pomeroy. I still can’t believe that’s a real sentence). But where Andy has gone above and beyond as an editor is allowing me to make an annual article that the reading public actively hates: Ranking the Marquette spoonerisms.

If you need the definition of a spoonerism, it involves taking the first letter of a person’s first and last names, flipping them, then giggling. For example, the Detroit Tigers employ a pitcher named Matt Boyd. A spoonerism of his name is Batt Moyd. It’s very funny. It is not limited to just the first letter, either. Charlie Morton is a pitcher for the Tampa Bay Rays. Mharlie Corton can work, but isn’t the best possible spoonerism. Marlie Chorton works much better. You get the idea.

Every year this has been done, I have received comments pointing out how awful, unholy, and overall confusing this article is. I can assure you, the loyal reader, the comments will continue to come my way. What I am equally sure of is that the condemnations will never stop me. In fact they make me stronger. Your anger fuels me.

On to the rankings.

14. Jayce Johnson

I will never alliterate my children’s names. I need my next of kin to have a good spoonerism.

13. Brendan Bailey

I fault Wojo’s recruiting strategy for this trend. Very unfair!

12. Gommy Tardiner

Objectively funny in that it sounds funny, but has to be ranked here in the context of keeping any hints of ablest slurs out of the picture.

11. Kichael Mennedy

Same deal. I’m really having to tiptoe around some serious issues here. Again, Wojo’s fault, not mine!

10. Exter Dakanno

We’re finally starting to get into the Giggle Zone. Exter sounds like the name of the Greek god of education reform, but Dakanno doesn’t make much sense and is a little awkward to say.

9. Acar Sanim

There’s a definite goofy factor here, but there’s not a fun word that comes out of this.

8. Tymir Sorrence

Tymir reminds me of the tapir, an adorable animal that itself reminds me of the black and white cookie made famous by this Seinfeld scene. Did you know that a tapir mauled off the arm of an Oklahoma City zookeeper in 1998? That’s dope shit.

7. Harkus Moward

“Moward” sounds like a name a guy named Howard would give his cat in order to portray the idea that his cat is like him, but a cat. This guy is really weird and opens with, “Let’s get high and talk about the universe” on Tinder because someone way cooler than him tried it with the woman who became his wife.

6. Med Orrow

Big fan of Oroweat bread. I could down an Oatnut loaf lightly toasted and drowning in crunchy peanut butter every day and die a happy man.

5. Crendan Barney

A nice healthy combination of a real name and very silly name. Much like the yin and the yang, this spoonerism was born from chaos to exist in harmony. It’s beautiful in it’s own way.

4. Camal Jain

The first word looks like camel but is pronounced like Kamala. This leads me to imagine a camel version of the 2020 presidential candidate. This is some high brow humor going on right now.

3. Eg Grelliott

Eg.

2. Jeo Thon

I try and think of different ways that these can be funny every year, but I can’t conjour anything beyond Thong Song with this one because it so perfectly fits. Unfortunately it’s not enough to take the top spot this year.

1. Ewen McKoby

I’m taking a creative liberty by flipping “Koby” and “Ewen” because I want to put an image in your head. That image is Ewan McGregor* who found his true calling as a legendary basketball player. I know the spelling doesn’t work out. Chill. The year is 2001. Ewan is a middling prospect out of Sam Houston State. He’s drafted by the Nets as a shot in the dark. He immediately breaks out as a star and propels the team to an NBA Finals win over the Lakers, stealing the MVP from Kobe Bryant’s clutches. Being the East’s counterpart and worthy opponent to Kobe’s legacy, Michael Wilbon refers to him as Ewan McKobe as a throwaway joke during an episode of Pardon the Interruption. Tony Kornheiser laughs while waving the Canada flag. The rest of the nation laughs as well and takes hold of it. For the rest of his career Ewan McGregor is known colloquially as Ewan McKobe and stars in a buddy cop movie with Kobe Bryant following their retirements. It makes $200 in the box office because it also stars Kevin Spacey right when the convenience of having Kevin Spacey in your movie is at an absolute minimum.

*McGregor is most known for his role in the Star Wars prequels, but he is most beloved by me for his stunning cover of Your Song in Moulin Rouge.