On Tuesday, Brewtown Andy delved into the some of the nonsense that Frank Kaminsky offered up when he decided to return to Wisconsin after last season. While this is a fantastic piece of investigatory journalism, it fails to address the real question about Kaminsky's decision: How the hell did we arrive at a place where we are seriously having a discussion about Frank effing Kaminsky's NBA future?
How is it possible that a guy that averaged four points per game, and seemed destined to be just another nameless, faceless, white role player in the Bo Ryan machine, suddenly morphed into a legitimate NBA prospect? How did a guy whose name seemed more appropriate for the role of the "Sarge" in an 80s cop show (C'mon... "Sergeant Frank Kaminsky" is just too perfect), wind up being named a preseason All-American? Seriously, how???
Clearly something happened for Big Frank between his sophomore and junior seasons that took him to the next level. No one really knows for sure, but we here at Anonymous Eagle have some pretty solid theories about what that could have possibly been.
Theory #1: Steroids
Hey man, they work wonders!
And while we hear about the scourge of PEDs in other sports, you never hear them brought up in college hoops. Well, I'm not buying it. I watched enough baseball in the late 90s to know that when a guy comes out of nowhere, and suddenly starts dominating the game, it's time for him to pee in a cup.
Theory #2: Kaminsky is an alien
I can't prove it, but I have feeling that Frank could very well be a Nerdluck, from Moron Mountain, and he has stolen the talent of aging NBA star Kevin Garnett. This newly gained basketball ability will allow Frank to remain here on Earth, free of the oppressive Mr. Swackhammer. This would also explain Garnett's decline in production over the past two seasons, as well as his increasingly bizarre behavior.
Theory #3: Deal with the Devil
Kaminsky certainly wouldn't be the first mortal to turn to dark powers to achieve earthly success, so I think it would be foolish to dismiss this possibility. And I would caution Frank about trading eternal damnation for a few fleeting moments of basketball glory, but I guess I get it. I mean, after four years in Madison, how much worse could hell really be?
Theory #4: Genie
The way I understand it, you're supposed to get three wishes from a genie. I don't know what Frank used the other two on, but one of them definitely had something to do with being better at basketball. I wonder if there's a genie out there that caters to those type of requests?
Theory #5: Frank caught a leprechaun
Similar to Theory #4. Kaminsky could have found one of these magical little guys and gotten a wish granted. They can be tough to find, but they're around.
Theory #6: Frank finally got laid
You laugh, but getting off the schnide can change things for a dude, in a way that a Saturday night romp with an inflatable love doll never could (I mean... so I've heard). Maybe at some kegger during the summer of 2013 Frank met some lovely young lady (or a heifer named Rhonda, or whatever), the wine coolers, room temperature Busch Light, and jagermeister started flowing, and next thing you know all his bros are like, "where's Frank?" Then the next morning, he emerges a changed man.
Then he goes to practice the next day and proceeds to start ripping ish up. Could happen.
Theory #7: Two years of Bo Ryan's coaching improved Frank this much
Theory #8: Bo turned him into a vampire
Now this is more like it!
It's been well documented that Bo Ryan is actually an 800-year old, undead creature of the night.
And I watched enough of True Blood on HBO to learn that vampires have some pretty freaking awesome powers. So I think it's entirely possible, that it wasn't the actual Devil that Kaminsky made his deal with, but rather it was his head coach. He made the calculated decision to exchange a life in the sun for the basketball skills that would earn him the adulation of Badger fans into eternity... or at least for the next 2 or 3 years.
Theory #9: Genetic engineering
The first time we ever laid eyes on this guy, we thought "Damn, that looks like a guy that was genetically engineered to be named Frank Kaminsky." Well, we did a little investigating and it turns out that this is actually Frank Kaminsky version 3.0. That's right, he is Frank Kaminsky III. Do you know what that means? That his dad and grandpa are both named Frank too??? Maybe. But I think it is far more likely that it means that this player you see on the floor today is the result of three rounds of genetic manipulation by some mad scientist, whose life was dedicated to creating the perfect, white, Badger big man. Whose warped mind could conceive of this twisted plan? There's only one possibility...