DATELINE: MADISON, WISCONSIN - In a shocking turn of events, Wisconsin Badgers head men's basketball coach Bo Ryan showed up for work today as if he didn't have two changes of heart about his future at a press conference yesterday.
Sources speaking on the condition of anonymity told Anonymous Eagle that Ryan pulled into his parking spot, walked into his office, dusted off his office coffin, sat down at his desk, and started watching game tape of UW-Milwaukee for tomorrow night's game on half speed because everything about basketball is even better slowed down as far as possible. Those same sources also inform us that no one has yet to talk to Coach Ryan about his apparent return to the Wisconsin sidelines after retiring, un-retiring, and then re-retiring yesterday. There is, however, a meeting scheduled in the conference room on the other end of the building at 12pm local time to discuss whether or not anyone should reference the Seinfeld episode where George quit and then showed up the next day like nothing had happened.
When reached for comment, UW Athletic Director Barry Alvarez brushed the donut crumbs off of his red pullover windbreaker and said, "As Coach Ryan mentioned earlier this summer, there's official paperwork that you have to file to actually retire around here, because if there's one thing that we like here at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, it's absurd amounts of bureaucracy. Coach Ryan, who is not slowly morphing into my mortal enemy regardless of who or how many people tell you that, stormed out of the building yesterday without filling out that paperwork. Officially, he's still the men's basketball coach until he does so, or until I can figure out a legally ironclad reason to fire him and Greg Gard, just to get this problem off of my desk. Wow, that was really informative, wasn't it?"
Calls to associate head coach Greg Gard for comment were technically answered, but all we could hear on the other end was a soft, sad voice muttering, "I thought this was going to be my big chance to show Coach Barry that I can do this job! I'm smart! Not like everyone says, like dumb! I'm smart, and I want respect!"