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BADGER HATE WEEK: I Don’t Have Any Greg Gard Jokes

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If the man were a kind of milk, he’d be skim. Ugh, that was terrible and I feel bad.

NCAA Basketball: Green Bay at Wisconsin
I have 14 pages of USA Today photos of Greg Gard. This is literally the most exciting picture.
Mary Langenfeld-USA TODAY Sports

For 14 full seasons and 12 games of a 15th season before he quit his damn job, Bo Ryan patrolled the Wisconsin Badgers sideline. That’s 14-plus seasons of histrionics, 14-plus seasons of angry looks at referees, 14-plus seasons of incredulous stares, 14-plus seasons of time to build up a gold mine of easily referenced jokes: Bo Ryan bears more than a passing resemblance to The Grinch, Bo Ryan is a vampire that sucks the life energy out of college basketball in order to continue to survive, Bo Ryan never saw a player he didn’t want to redshirt to prevent him from being able to transfer, Bo Ryan killed five hookers........

Wait, that last one is (allegedly) Craig James.

Anyway, you get the point. Bo Ryan’s mere existence caused a cascade of jokes to come tumbling out of the mouths of any fan of any team that stood in opposition to Ryan’s Badgers. But Ryan quit after 12 games last season, and after racking up a 15-8 record and tying for third place in the Big Ten last season, former Ryan assistant Greg Gard is now the full time head coach of the Wisconsin Badgers.

I have no jokes about Greg Gard.

I mean, like, I’ve got nothing. The closest thing to a joke I can muster is to point out that he’s currently winless against Steve Wojciechowski as a head coach. I don’t think I can even say I’ve ever heard him talk, which is actually kind of appropriate. You guys know CBS Sports’ Jon Rothstein? You know how he isn’t so much a Twitter user as he is a Twitter robot, spitting out catchphrases when teams win? Do you know what his official catchphrase is for Greg Gard?

“Greg Gard. Silent assassin.”

EVEN THE GUY COMING UP WITH WHACKY CATCHPHRASES FOR EVERYONE DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING INTERESTING TO SAY ABOUT HIM.

The meanest thing I can say about Greg Gard is that Bo Ryan likes spending time with Gard more than he likes spending time with anyone else on the planet. After all, Ryan hired Gard as his assistant at Wisconsin-Platteville waaaaaay back in 1993. They both moved to UW-Milwaukee in 1999, and then on to UW-Madison in 2001. Both men were co-workers right up until the day that Ryan quit last December. As far as Ryan liking to spend time with Gard, well, we all know about Ryan’s lack of interest in spending time with his wife since about 2009 or so.

Say, whatever happened with that whole situation, anyway?

A woman who was romantically involved with former University of Wisconsin men’s basketball coach Bo Ryan on Wednesday sued several top university officials, alleging they deprived her of due process, defamed her and invaded her privacy.

Oops. Look, Greg Gard is so boring, it almost makes me say I miss Bo Ryan, but 1) College basketball is better off without him dragging the damn game to a standstill and 2) He isn’t actually gone until this lawsuit is properly adjudicated. Who knows how a federal court will end up punishing the University of Wisconsin for Ryan’s misdeeds, and then we’ll have all new Bo Ryan jokes to make up for the lack of Greg Gard jokes.

See? It all works out in the end.