The Sandy Cohen Chronicles: "The Rainy Day Women"

The near-unanimous reaction to hearing that Marquette had received a verbal commitment from Seymour (WI) guard Sandy Cohen was "What, the dad from The O.C.?"  As such, it seemed the obvious thing to do would be use The O.C. references when he makes an outstanding play for the Golden Eagles.  We spent last summer recapping episodes from the first season of the classic Fox drama in order to mine for gold for when the basketball playing Cohen did something superlative.  He had a relatively quiet freshman campaign, but that doesn't curtail our quest for entertainment, both during the season and during the quiet summer months.  So we're back again in 2015 with recaps for the 24 episode second season.

Makes sense, right? Ok, hit it, Phantom Planet!

Season 2, Episode 14 - "The Rainy Day Women"

Directed by Michael Fresco

Written by Josh Schwartz

Previously on The O.C.: Rebecca and Sandy kissed, but she left town after Kirsten confronted Rebecca about her feelings for Sandy.  Marissa told Summer about her relationship with Alex.  Caleb likes precautions, so he's going to need a paternity test for Lindsay before he'll adopt her.  Summer got distracted from the chance of sex with Zach by dumb thoughts about dumb idiot Seth.  Bad news, though: He told her he's over her.

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We open with Blind Melon's "No Rain," which is supposed to be ironic, I guess, because it is *BLEEP*ing pouring.  Like, "YO WE LIVE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA WHAT THE HELL" pouring.  Seth's got stuff to talk to Ryan about, but he's in the main house and Ryan's in the pool house.  After an adorable non-verbal exchange between them as they attempt to get one of them to get soaked, including Seth bribing Ryan with bagels, they eventually do this over the phone.  Seth's first words: "I'm gonna lose her, man."

HOLY CRAP, DUDE.

Literally the last thing we saw you say to her was the last thing in the "Previously On" segment was you were OVER Summer.  WE WERE SOLD A FALSEHOOD.  Not to mention all the times you acted like a complete jackass over the previous 14 episodes, so I'm amazed that you think you even have a snowball's chance in orbiting Mercury at trying to win Summer back at this point.  Ryan's love life isn't in much better shape since he hasn't talked to Lindsay since she ran out of Caleb's party to not announce her adoption.

We switch music to In Every Sunflower by Bell X1, which will be the ongoing theme for the Sandy/Kirsten/Rebecca nonsense in this episode.  Just pretend it's playing every time I mention one of them, because it was playing, almost with out exception, in every scene they're in during this episode.  Kirsten's in bed at 10am on a Saturday, and she looks at a nightstand picture of herself and Sandy before calmly putting it picture side down.  OMINOUS.  Sandy's out of the shower and attempting to build bridges/offer olive branches to his wife after their argument at Caleb's party, but Sandy's phone rings.  It's Rebecca.  It turns out that she couldn't really run away again without seeing Sandy one last time.  Kirsten's decided she's had enough of bed for the day (she's super pissed at Sandy for continuing this phone call, really), and Sandy insists that Rebecca stay where she is because Sandy wants to work on her case.  Dude.  Not cool.

Over at the Cooper-Nichol mansion, Julie bagels it up as Alex and Marissa come downstairs because Alex spent the night.  As Julie zips about the kitchen, Alex & Marissa smooch behind her back, but stop when she turns back towards them.  Alex doesn't do breakfast, so she takes off.  Julie tells Marissa that she should let her know when she's going to have a friend spend the night so Julie knows what's going on under her roof.  Marissa reacts calmly, and lets Julie know what's going on: Alex is her girlfriend.  Not a friend that is a girl, her girlfriend.

Lindsay does some oboeing over an incredibly persistent doorbell, but when that changes to knocking at her window, she investigates that.  It's Ryan, and he's soaking wet because he rode his bicycle over to Lindsay's house like an idiot.  Then again, she lets him climb through the window, so maybe it wasn't the worst plan.  Lindsay has an excuse for ignoring Ryan for 30 minutes of doorbell: She thought it was Caleb arriving to pick her up for her paternity test appointment that he scheduled for her.  No, that's not a joke.  Ryan notices the mostly packed suitcase in the corner, and Lindsay says she was getting packed to move in with Caleb because her mom wasn't being supportive of her in regards to Caleb.  She's kept it packed because her mom is going to move to Chicago to escape all of this Caleb drama, and Lindsay's thinking about going with her.  Ryan volunteers to go with Lindsay if she decides to go in for the DNA test.

Summer tries on a bridesmaid dress... for some reason... as Seth knocks on her door while wearing a Spider-Man mask to protect himself from the rain.  I mean, I know she's in the dress because she's going to be in Zach's sister's wedding, but I don't get why she needs to make sure it fits.  That's what a bridal shop is for.  Anyway, Seth is there to... I have no idea.  Beg Summer to be his girlfriend, maybe?  He never gets that far, though, as his small lizard brain is derailed by the reality of Summer being in the wedding party, reminds her to get an electrical adaptor for Europe, and then leaves.  This was a wonderful use of everyone's time, although I did enjoy Summer literally asking Seth if he was going to advance the plot or not.

Sandy ends up at the diner that Rebecca called him from and they chat.  She doesn't want to go to jail or cost Sandy his marriage, so I'm really not sure why she called him. "Your case has nothing to do with my marriage."  DUDE, BUY A CLUE.  He yammers on about amnesty or a plea deal, completely ignoring what his FBI friend said to him in the last episode.  The writers know that people watch every episode, right?  I mean, that's the idea of TV.

Lindsay took Ryan up on the offer to go with for the testing, and now they have to wait 24 hours.  Lindsay is now confronted with the reality of what to do if it's positive.

Kirsten's at work on a Saturday, and so is Julie.  They bust into Caleb's liquor cabinet and humidor and commiserate about their respective problems, including wondering if her marriage can survive all this.  Julie admits that she's actually not that worried about Marissa's "phase" because she had her own "phase" back in the day, but her world will collapse if Sandy and Kirsten actually split up over this Rebecca horsecrap.

Sandy and Rebecca are driving back to Newport, but they get stuck by a washout which won't get cleared up til the morning.  There's a motel a little ways back, though.  Did Rebecca run off to Morgantown or something?  You're telling me that this is the only possible route back to Orange County?  I get that they're not on the interstate highway here, but it's also not the middle of nowhere.

Seth listens to End Of The Road by Boyz II Men in his room, because we needed to laugh at his comical depression over screwing up his own relationship with Summer, I guess.  Ryan points out this hilarity, and Seth says that unless he has one final grand gesture, he's going to lose Summer forever.  What are you, mental?  You just walked out of her house without saying anything important to her, and now you're trying to spool up some kind of event to win her over?  Ryan reminisces about the first time he heard about Summer, onboard Seth's boat.  EUREKA!  A boat ride can be a grand gesture!  You sold the boat, Seth.  He'll buy the boat back!  You don't have any money, Seth.  We can fix that!  This is so dumb.

Over to Summer's room, where she mopes and listens to End Of The Road, too.  SEE, THEY'RE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER, I guess.  Zach shows up and points out that Summer's Miss Piggy-esque luggage setup is way overdoing it for backpacking time in Italy.  Hey, why is Summer in the wedding party, anyway?  Oh, right, because Zach's sister is alienating, so she doesn't have friends.  Hey, Summer can't go to Italy without a power adaptor!  Zach has one, because Zach is the most thoughtful boyfriend a girl could ever have.  I know where this episode is going based on the Spider-Man mask and the rain, but maybe setting Zach up as so great here isn't the best plan.

Seth goes to Alex's apartment and begs for his job at The Bait Shop back.  He gets it, and then he begs for a $500 advance.  He gets that too, (luckily, Alex just got paid) and as a bonus, he gets to see a half-dressed Marissa ask if Alex is coming back to bed or not.  He goes into mega-perv mode and Alex shoves him out the door.

At The Pink Motel because there's only one road in all of Southern California, Rebecca and Sandy construct a feast of Ding Dongs, cheese sticks, and this bottle of wine that Rebecca just happened to have.  She tries to sell a story about how this is fate, and just for tonight, there's only Sandy and Rebecca as she leans in for a kiss.  Sandy gets up, walks outside, and calls his wife.  Possibly the first smart thing he's done in weeks.  He doesn't get through to Kirsten until the next morning, and promises that he'll walk home if he has to.  So, you didn't start last night because.....

Julie tells Marissa that she's okay with her "phase" and won't make a big deal out of this if Marissa won't.  Marissa says okay, and then moves out of the house.

So, here's Seth's very stupid plan now that he's bought the boat back: Put the boat in the pool, invite Summer over, have her get in the boat in the pool, tell her how he feels, BOOM, everything solved and she'll fall truly, madly, and deeply in love with him.  Except that it's pouring rain and that the new owner of the boat renamed it "Gimme Sex."  The shark face on the bow is cool, though.  Ryan is unmoved by this dumb plan, so Seth tells on Alex and Marissa in order to change the subject.  He's very excited about his ex and Ryan's ex being each other's not-exes.  Thankfully, Kirsten rescues us from this special hell by telling the boys that the test results are back and Lindsay wants her and Ryan there for support when she finds out.

At Summer's house, it's time to go to the airport.  As Zach carries all the luggage (amazing that he didn't negotiate her down given the backpacking, really solid boyfriend move), Summer realizes that she forgot to pack Princess Sparkle and goes back to get her.  Her phone rings, and it's Seth.  What a fortuitous break!  Quick, before you leave, stop on by the Cohen house!  This, after Summer gave him a chance to unload after the botched comic book pitch and after the stupid arrival yesterday where he said nothing.  She yells at him for being an assclown and hangs up.

Your roll call for the test results: Lindsay, Ryan, Kirsten, Renee, and Caleb.  Things are incredibly awkward with no one talking.  The doctor comes in and confirms the result: Lindsay is Caleb's daughter.  Yay, I guess.  No one seems super excited about this.

Sandy drives back to Newport.  Rebecca tries to talk about what happened last night, and Sandy sez not a chance.  Rebecca tries the "what we had meant nothing to you????" gambit, but that's a dumb move on a guy you haven't seen in 22 years.  Sandy starts teeing off on Rebecca, but doesn't notice the taillights in front of him.  He swerves, but goes off the road into a small ravine.  A passing trucker called the police, an ambulance, and a tow truck, so they're going to be okay.  Rebecca FLIPS OUT because the police are coming, and takes off.  In the rain, in the middle of nowhere.  Thus ends her part of this story.

At the airport, Summer and Zach wait with Zach's mom and sister.  Remember Summer's disastrous lunch with them a ways back?  Yeah, this experience goes about as well.  She excuses herself to go get a magazine, which is actually an excuse to listen to a voicemail that Seth just left for her.  Seth apologizes for being an assclown, hopes her trip goes well, and at the end, Captain Oats says travel safe.  This is literally the best thing that Seth has done to earn Summer's attention and love since he returned from Portland.  She notices a small boy with curly hair playing with a toy horse with some comic books scattered around him (*NUDGE NUDGE*) as Zach runs over for some help with his sister.  See, because of the weather, their flight is delayed and his sister is taking this as an omen about her wedding.... but Summer says she can't go.  Zach sees the small boy, too, and understands.  He says he's amazed she made it through security and she leaves the airport.  Hey, what about all that luggage that's been checked in?

Marissa moves into Alex's apartment and discovers that they're short on closet space for all of her shoes.  I swear she left the house with only two bags.  Maybe there was more already in the Mustang?  Anyway, Alex asks her to take out the trash for tomorrow morning because she has to go to work, and also, rent is due on the 1st of the month.  Marissa stares blankly around the apartment as Alex gets ready for work as she suddenly realizes that moving in with Alex means being an adult.

Lindsay packs up everything in her room as Ryan arrives to help her move... except she's decided to move to Chicago with her mom.  Thus ends that relationship.

Seth and Captain Oats try to watch some TV, but the satellite is out because of the rain.  Don't worry, y'all, Seth knows how to fix this.  Apparently he doesn't understand that the clouds are interfering with the satellite signal, as his plan is to yank on his Spider-Man mask to protect himself from the rain, climb up onto the tile roof, anchor himself to... I guess the chimney, and yank on the satellite dish for a while.  Apparently no one told him that the dish needs to be in the right alignment to get a signal in the first place.  This is all being done for a ridiculous contrivance anyway, so I guess that it's okay that Seth looks like a massive idiot here, even more so than usual.

Matt Pond's cover of Champagne Supernova kicks in as we go to our wrap up montage.  Sandy's Greyhound bus arrives back in town as Kirsten waits for him.  Is it over, she asks?  It never started, he says, and they kiss.  I guess we're forgetting about that time he kissed Rebecca?  Oh well.

Marissa walks Alex over to The Bait Shop for work, and then starts to head back home because those dishes aren't going to wash themselves.  That was a quick bit of adaptation by Marissa.  She notices someone standing out in the pouring rain at the railing on the piers.  It's Ryan.  Marissa goes over and quietly shares her umbrella with him.

Seth's dumb plan to "fix" the satellite results in exactly what you'd think it would: He slips on the wet tile, and the only thing that saves his life is the rope he used to anchor himself.  He's stuck dangling upside down over the back patio.  Luckily, the Spidey mask goes back to his neck, so he's not in a lot of danger of drowning from the mask filling up with rainwater.  CONVENIENTLY, Summer's taxi arrives, and EVEN MORE CONVENIENTLY, the front door is not locked.  Summer sees him dangling, runs outside, and blatantly steals from Spider-Man 2 for the most iconic Seth-Summer moment in O.C. history.

Best Sandy Cohen Line/Moment: Oh, it's easily when he shuts down Rebecca's fate nonsense in the hotel room.  Praise Jebus that this storyline is over.  I'm officially putting "This is stupider than the Sandy/Rebecca storyarc" into the reference pile.  Hopefully we can get back to the good father/quick with a quip Sandy Cohen for the rest of the season now. (skims episode summaries)  Things look good.  Well, good for Sandy, at least.